Maybe she is too pure for this world

Written by Haley Lane

I still was confused. Since Ari has been a baby I kept thinking she is way to pure for this world. She is so sweet and so beautiful. It always scared me a little that I thought that. But then I would tell myself oh that is just a paranoid mother thinking. But it was still there and I took a million pictures of her. My sister one day said, "All right Haley we know she is cute, but you're going to make your other kids think she's your favorite."

But I wanted a lot of pictures for what ever the future might hold. When Titan passed away we all wished we had more pictures of him and I didn't want to be wishing the same thing. Then, when all of this started happening I thought maybe I was not paranoid. Maybe I don't get to keep her that long.

About three days before we got to the hospital I felt like I started saying my goodbyes. By the second night in the hospital I felt very lucky that I got to hold her just me and her for this whole time. She uses my arm as pillow and very rarely will she let me move and I love it. I was pretty sure that she was not going to make it through that night. At one point watching her go through so much pain I found myself saying "Its okay, you can go."

Then I thought what the heck? Why is she fighting so hard? I know that if it was me and I was in that kind of pain and drifting off so quickly I would have given up! Thank goodness she has Travis in her. When she didn't go that night it made me think maybe she knows something that I don't and actually everything I think is usually the opposite. Thank goodness Travis is who he is. She also received a blessing later that made me think she is actually going to make it. The next day her platelets were at 8 even thou they had not received the the results back from the MRI Cat scan and biopsy they decided to go ahead with Chemo even though she was not diagnosed yet because her little body was fading to fast. That was last Sunday.