Wednesday, November 2, 2011

In Memory of our Angel Arianna

We are starting a foundation and calling it Ari's Angels. As these amazing children live in the hospital for monthes somtimes years at a time. Our last stay there we met a little girl setting the record she would be there for over 18 monthes. Somtimes never allowed to leave their rooms. Somtime like in Ari's case live their last precios months in the hospital. Enduring pain, sadness, and being lonly, missing family and friends. Dealing with surgies and being poked again and again. Every time we would hear a baby cry Ari would say, "they poked that baby huh Mom". It is a very hard life for these children.

There are things that would make there day, Like when dog therapy would come by, bingo every week, music day, and of course child life. Somtimes after going through a lot they would give Ari little gifts. She loved them, it helped the time pass and would lift her spirits.

So I wanted to donate things that I think she would enjoy. She of course had her favorites, She loved frilly things. These are some of the ideas we came up with.
Here is are Little Mermaid Package. It comes with a Little Mermaid Frilly Twirl Skirt, A Arial poly pocket, And a Easy reader book, all put into a princess gift bag. This Is what most of the care packages include. Some are more elaborate. I know she would have loved getting this!!

This is the hello kitty skirt it is my favorite mostly because I think it would have been Arianna's Favorite.I know she would have loved them all
I can just picture her twirling around in them. I dropped off about a 100 care packages my first time and of course balled my eyes out. It has been very healing.

I opened an etsy store called to help pay for my Ari's projects. 
just for visiting her blog you can receive 30% off.The coupon code is ARIANNA. If you would like to donate to the cause. There is a a paypal button at the top right. Thank you for supporting our cause./b>

I would love for people to keep reading and learn more about my Angel. Also If a child you love is suffering from a life threatening decease let me know and I would gladly send them a skirt or cape. Because she was my HERO, For the boys I have super hero capes.

Friday, May 6, 2011

My Hero

Arianna is my Hero. She has done some of the most amazing things. And she has done them with a smile on her face.

I wanted to rite down some of the things that she has taught me or that her journey has taught me. First she has taught me how you can do anything out of love. She has taught me not to be a wimp. She has taught me life is short spend it on the important things, The most important one holding and loving your children. I have learned how important the gospel is to me. How Heavenly Father is always there for you. She has taught me to be happy no matter what and spread that happiness. She has taught me not to whine or complain. I have learned that our bodies are a gift and a miracle. She has taught me to trust in the Lord, Travis, and my children. She has taught me i need to protect my children. She has taught me to love unconditionally and to have faith. And to always be Happy.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Ari I Love you!!!

As I sit her and watch my daughter slip away there are some things I want to tell her first is that I love her unconditionally. That everyone in her life loves her. That i would do anything for her. That she is the strongest most amazing spirit i have ever known. That she is beautiful. That i will miss her. That it will be a miracle if she stays or goes. That her Father in Heaven loves her and is there for her. That her savior loves her. That she will be in good hands. That I want her to be happy. That i wish i could take it all away. That i wish i could hold her. And last is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't trust her and Travis. That I'm sorry she is passing in a hospital instead of at home. That I'm sorry she couldn't spend her last moments in my arms. I'm sorry that she has been tortured her last month here. I'm sorry that she loves me so much and is so obedient that she let us torture her. I'm sorry she couldn't spend more time with her family. And That I hope her and Travis will forgive me.

I know a lot of people will try to tell me it is not my fault and i know it isn't. But it could have been different. She wanted it different and that is why I need to apologize to her. I know that it was supposed to happen this way. But i feel bad because i feel that is was for me to learn certain things and I am sorry that my kids and my husband sometimes suffer for my learning process. But that is life and I know they love me enough to forgive me and put up with it again and again.
I have faith and am grateful for this whole experience and I know it is because Heavenly Father loves me and loves her that everything is happening. I believe she is to pure for this world and am happy for her to not have to deal with things. I have learned that I need to trust my Family and Travis. Trust that he is the priesthood in our family. I trust and know that Heavenly father loves me and will comfort me and will always be there for me. I am grateful to him for all my blessings. Travis sometimes teases me but I truly believe that every thing that happens in our lives is for a reason. And that the Lord is very aware and active in our lives. Thank you every one for all your love, prayers, and fasting. I know that it has helped.
These pictures were taken within weeks of each other. So Sad. It breaks my heart

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

every little memory

The last time the kids saw Ari. Some random doctor for all I know she could have been an angel Said, "yes Ari could go out and see the kids." Witch of course they don't let you do. She was So exited we all laughed. We told the story of this puppy that stole a kiss from Ari a few days ago she laughed and said, "yep yep". It was a wonderful moment and I am so glad we had it.

Her first smile was three days old and every day since. She was the happiest little girl. She loved to dance and sing. She loved to swim. I remember taking her to the rec center when she was just a baby. She loved this little swing they have there. Going to grandma's funeral at 5 weeks old getting pulled off the bed along with all the bedding in the motterhome.

All our trips in the car. She loved going on rides with Dad and getting food.

I love how she would pretend to be asleep so the nurses wouldn't mess with her.

the day we caught some freaky virus and we were alone I got such a fever the next day I had fever blisters in my eyelids there wasn't much I could do. So I just held her sang to her and prayed for help.

I have to say ironically she was my healthiest pregnancy and easiest birth. When she came out we had the biggest surprise of our lives. We were expecting a boy and she looked so much like her brother that for about 5 min we kept saying how cute he is. Then Lisa our midwife said " I think you should take a look at this." We laughed so hard. Of course we were thrilled to have such a beautiful baby girl.

A little about ari
Her cheesser is one of my favorite things. When we would do family pictueres we always make sure we all do a cheesier just like Ari. She is so funny. She loves making you laugh. She loves kitties and puppies. She is my kitty cat and daddy s puppy. The reason she is Mom'y kitty is because I would stroke her hair and she would shed just like a kitty cat. She actually loved that her hair was falling out because she loved being just like a kitty. She would do tricks just like the puppy's she met in the hospital her favorite was to bark and i would give her a treat. Her treat was these little baby cheeses she got her first one in out patient.

Her favorite book is I'm trying to be like Jesus. She loved the page that showed a litlle girl holding a baby. That was her holding Krysta lilly. She loves strawberry shortcake. She is strawberry shortcake. I am orange, Alaina is rasberry, Kaley is lemon merain, Cassidy is grape, Lorrianna is blueberry and Lilly is the queen of the berrykins. The song at the beginging is our favorite and she would always make sure we were both wautching at that part and sing along. part of the song goes'" We like what we do we do what we like don't we have a very nice life." Beleive me we had the hole movie memorized. She went through a Dora stage. Dora the mermaid to be exact.

She loves sleeping in moms arm and before Lilly came she wouldn't let me leave her side. She was always really cuddly until it started getting pretty painful to touch her. And even though She didn't like to be stroked she would stroke my arm or my face and I loved it.

She liked singing and dancing. She has such a beautiful voice. She would always sing its rainy its pouring. One day we were coming home from salt lake and she started singing, " I go see my friends my Kaley friend my Taylor friend my Laney friend. I go see my friends. She loved her family and we were her best friends. She also
loved her uncle Joe.

She like to be read to and she like starfall. Her Favorite was the friend and curios George. My cousin Tracy came to visit one day and said he had a strong feeling to go buy curios George books and bring them to Ari. We read each one over 50 times, but our favorite one was curios George eats pancakes. That silly monkey. When we went to curious George in the theater Ari reminded us of that adorable monkey. I am so grateful he followed that prompting.

her favorite songs were of course trying to be like Jesus, baby mine, and twinkle twinkle little star. we had fun playing the song yanke doodle went to town and little zig zag girl.

She loved all her blankets.

She loves water in any shape and form. Her and Travis went to fill up all 25 five gallon buckets one time and you would have thought she went to Disney land. When her di would run out she loved just being in the tub drinking and peeing.

She loved green gummy bears.

she has to watch when she would get anything done.When they would poke her or give her med through her IV. You have to say one two three. She is very brave and amazing. oh don't forget no bumping every time she would take a drink in the car. she loves going for walks sometimes for about 5 hours at a time. She also loves making us laugh and she thinks her dad is the funniest person alive.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

When we decided to do bone marrow actually when I decided. Travis didn't want to and neither did she. I just thought Why would Laney be a complete match. Why would her heart be better. The day she got bone marrow I was so exited. I would get so sad thinking about just staying home and letting her die and I was so happy thinking some day we will be going through the temple or some day we will be watching her be baptized. For the first few days I hit heads with bone marrow team really bad. I was so stressed my milk dried up completely, poor Lilly was starving for a few days.

Every time I have been upset in my life I try to take a few moments to pray that my hart will be softened or that I can say the thing I need to say.
I feel it is amazing and works every time. About 98% of the time my hart is soften and I can see that it is me that needs to change and ask for forgiveness. This was not one of those times. I couldn't eat or sleep. The next morning We had a great talk or lashing. I think Ari was quite proud of me. It is hard for me to be confrontational and sometimes that means not standing up for what is right. I know it is a weakness and I'm sure it will take my a while to overcome it. I wish I would have left with her right then and been done with bone marrow. It was pretty much torture. Ari would always say why Mommy why. I am sorry throughout this life she had to put up with so much.

I'm so glad we broke the rules and let Kaley be there with us. It meant so much to Ari and was the happiest moments of the last month of her life. They would have so much fun doing crafts and playing bingo and hungry hippo, singing, dancing, playing with toys, and looking out the window for babies.

There were a few days when I feel she could have died and I would have had no regrets. There was one day I read to her all day and we played star fall all day I wouldn't even eat because i didn't want to leave her. That would have been a good day. One day we almost lost her and after crying my eyes out and being so afraid she wasn't going to make it I said, "We are done with this. You are going to make it. We are just going to start living life as if your going to make it. After that I started pushing her to walk and other things. The bone marrow grafted and she was doing great. The doctor's told us we should be going home in about a week. At that time it was just me and Ari. They made Kaley and Lilly go home. I started leaving her more to eat. I even exersized twice. This is not like me. normally no matter what I would just stay there with her. I don't know if this needed to happen in order for her to let go of me and be willing to go with father in heaven or what. I still have a hard time with why I started to do this, She would ask me to stay and hold her she would ask why Mommy why? and give me this look that will haunt me for years to come. I know she knew and was trying to tell me and I was to afraid to listen. When she got her virus I was still in denial. I said to her are you done. She looked at me with this look of exitment like I can be done. I know she was thinking leaving and I was thinking staying and getting better. I think her being such a fighter through me off.
I said okay Mom will start a fast and I won't eat until you can eat and are better. That night I got a headache she said Mommy I want to eat and I know she didn't, she just could tell i wasn't felling very good and wanted me to eat and feel better this coming from a little girl with a major fever but not being able to take Tylenol because her liver was so bad, her heart rate in the 200's, on a morphine drip that she would keep pushing the button non stop because of the pain, and having a hard time breathing, vomiting and not wanting to move because of pain. Here she is worried about me. All night I kept asking her if she was okay and she would say yes because she wanted me to sleep. That was my last day I would have had a chance to say good bye with her being coherent and I was so determined she was going to make it that I didn't take it.

The morning before she died I knew that the reason it happened the way it did was for me to learn a lesson, That morning I had my come to Jesus realized what I was supposed to learn and then she could go. One time Travis was asking why she couldn't be done yet and the impression he got was because Haley needs to learn something. She asked me numerous times Why Mommy why and I know every time no matter what I said she would be ok with it because it was for me that she was being tortured. It reminded me of the savior in Gethsemane asking to remove this cup never the less thy will be done. The things we do for love.

After that I went to Travis and told him what happened. I told him she was done and no longer needed to stay. We prayed together and had the most comforting feeling ever I know she was there with us. Her death was beautiful. She died in my arms and I felt every last heart beat. It is amazing how attached we are to these beautiful temporal bodies. I am so glad I had this last 2 years to lay with her and feel of her amazing spirit. She is the most amazing person I will ever know. I bore my testimony of how I feel that I have been happy and spiritually strong for 2 years only because of her amazing spirit. I feel like A little kid that grows up having a testimony because there parents do and now I have to stand on my own two feet. I will miss her every day. And I can't wait to see her again.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Baby Arianna

Arianna came into this world on a Sunday and she left on a Sunday. When she finally came I was about 6 weeks late from what i thought her due date would be. Of course I was a month off. When my water broke I was in walmart. I was just about done shopping after about an hour, so i grabbed some pads and finished up. I am sure the checker was a little freaked out by an open thing off pads, but for me when my water breaks it means the baby should come in the next day or two. I also grabbed some baby girl outfits JUST IN CASE. The entire pregnancy I thought she was a boy. After Alaina's birth and being a watched pot trying to biol. This time I figured I would get a good night sleep and then announce that my water had broken. I did give my mid wife a call just so she could have a heads up. At around noon the next day I started getting harder contractions so that's when we officially started the party. She was born at 5 something. When I was pregnant I had a dream that she just came out no pain or anything and I have to say that was pretty close. she was by far my easiest labor. The only complication was i didn't have very hard contraction so my uterus had a hard time contracting So I bled quite a bit. It was my longest recovery. I couldn't sit up for three days. I had a lot of time to enjoy my new baby. When she came we kept swaying how cute he was. Then we got the surprise of our lives, a beautiful baby girl!! She was Taylor's little twin. I know the other kids won't mind me saying this, she was our most beautiful baby and little girl. She had the biggest eyes. She loved hearing stories about herself especially when Travis would tell them. Us thinking she was a boy was her favorite story. This is just the beginning of random blogs. I want to right down every memory I have of her.
Hi Haley
Just wanted to say I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful little girl. I had been following your story on Facebook for a while hoping against hope that she would make it through this terrible disease. I read your blog last night and I was so moved. I had tears streaming down my face, tears for Ari, tears for you and your family, and tears probably also for me and my daughter who died after BMT for HLH in July at just 22 months.
Little Ari sounded like the sweetest, bravest and most beautiful little child. I am heartbroken for you all. There are so many parallels with your experience and ours...
I know nothing I say will help take the pain the away but if you ever need to talk to another mum, just write.
Wishing you and your family lots of love Kelly xx (from London, UK)

A letter from Marcus

Dear Travis, Haley, and the family this is Marcus Lane, I wanted to see how you are doing. If you don’t remember me I am Eric and Ingers oldest son about to go on a mission. I hope that you guys are doing great. I want to thank you for saturday and the words expressed. I feel like I am new person after going to Ari’s Service. When I first got there for the viewing and when i saw her beautiful face I started to cry. The spirit in that room was strong. It was almost unbearable. Even though Ari lived for a short time on this earth she set an amazing example for all of us to follow. After the service as I was driving home all I could think about is how can I live like Ari and be in tune with the spirit.I also thought about Ari’s life and what she had to overcome. That saturday night I was unable to sleep at all. I thought a lot about how selfless Ari was, she cared about other people and as Travis said she would say everything is perfect even when she was in pain. She lived a life very similar to how our savior lived his life by caring for others around her and showing unconditional love because of the greatness and impact her live has been for me I have made a promise to myself, Heavenly Father and the Savior for the rest of my life and for eternity I will try to live like Ari and follow in her footsteps and be strong even when the world is telling me not to. I have never been more comfortable about going on a mission since saturday. What few know about me is that I was suppose to serve a mission in Omaha, Nebraska when I was 19. I was in the MTC for 4 days and on the second day I started to freak out because I missed family, home, the daily easy routine I had back at home. I tried to escape from the MTC on the third day but found the phycologist instead. He tried to get me to stay but I felt so home sick that I ended up leaving on that saturday. When I came home I told everyone that I might go back and serve a mission when I am more mature. In my mind I dreaded the MTC and a mission. I associated so much negativity to a mission that I never wanted to go on one. About 1 year and 6 months later I went to sweden expecting to stay there for 5 years to finish college. A little before my first semester ended I told my dad and my family that I wanted to serve a mission. I came back home about three weeks ago and am currently finishing my papers. The reason why I am bringing this up is because the day before I went to Ari’s service I really had a lot of doubts about a mission and I wasn’t sure I would be able to serve. After seeing your wonderful family and Ari I know that everything is going to be fine. I cannot even begin to understand how much your family had to go through. I want you to know that you are the best parents that Ari has. I also know that Ari is so proud to be your daughter. Thank you so much for everything. When I go and serve a mission I will put Ari and Uncle Scott in my mind and live like they lived. I want to thank you again for allowing me to find the perfect role model in my life that I will try to live up to. I am keeping you in my prayers. If your family ever needs anything let me know and I don’t mind at all driving up to Utah.
Take care Marcus LANE

Thank you so much Marcus. Your letter ment so much to me. Ari was by far the most strongest amazing spirit I have ever known. Why I was the lucky one to be her Mom I'm not sure. but I feel truely blessed. Knowing her life could touch others makes me so happy. We love you and wish you luck with every thing. Thank you so much

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A letter from one of Arianna's nurses

Dear Travis and Haley
I don't know how I can express my feeling to your family especially in English, but I really wanted to write a note to thank you for a great example you showed me.
You showed me how to fight or to do the best you can for all the possible way without giving up. And Arianna showed me to do the same, and to do it for not for herself but for whom she loved the most. She taught me that you can do more than your ability when you do it for others. You two also showed me that illness cannot destroy family or love! Even though you have went through so much, you showed your smiles for me all the time. Thank you for sharing her stories about "not running away from the hospital" and "even she said no more that she said she she will do it for Mommy ... I was so touch with her love to you and your love to her! Last Thursday when I came in to arianna's room to help with syringe pumps, I saw her trying to hold on. I wanted to come to her bedside to kneel down to hold her and cheer her up, but also I was so afraid that i may cry. So instead I told haley about putting Arianna's name in the bountiful temple... I wish I held her that time... I didn't know that it would be the last time for me to see her... Now I really need to try to live better if I want to see her again. That Thursday night I went home and just prayed for Arianna and your family's comfort. I know that angels are with her and you all the way through. Thank you again for letting me be a part of your special life. Arianna and you have taught me through your actions more than anything else. Hope you can understand my Japanese English. May the Lord's special blessings are with you family. Sincerely Tomoko

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Memories of Ari

She would say Hold me mom hold me in Her little Muppet chipmunk voice. Then she would say arm so she could be rapped in my arm. Her favorite place in the world. She was daddy s puppy and mommy kitty. She loved coke. But she called it daddy's drink. And she could tell if it was out of can or fountain. She was truly a lane that way. When she got herpes really bad and couldn't eat the only thing that made her mouth feel better was coke. And that's what started her addiction. Still her favorite thing was water. It brought her comfort. In the end even when she couldn't have that much she still wanted a to hold a glass of ice water just like you would a stuffed animal.

How when she would poop. The smell would kill her and me and kaley she would hang out her tung and say ehh. She cracked me up.
Every time i would take a shower at home as soon as i opened the door she would be there. A lot of the time she would scare me. I miss watching her little naked hiney running down the hall. We would say i see your hiney all white and shiney. If you dont hide it I'm going bite it. She would hide it say "not my hiney.
one time heading home she started singing,"I go see my friends. My Kaley friend my Taylor Friend, my Laney friend." It was so cute. She had a beautiful voice. You would catch her singing all the time.

Her Favorite foods were Beans and Cafe rio. At the hospital they would call her the cafe rio baby. She loved baby oranges and baby cheese. She also loved star burst.

My Hero

Arianna is my Hero. She has done some of the most amazing things. And she has done them with a smile on her face.

I wanted to rite down some of the things that she has taught me or that her journey has taught me. First she has taught me how you can do anything out of love. She has taught me not to be a wimp. She has taught me life is short spend it on the important things, The most important one holding and loving your children. I have learned how important the gospel is to me. How Heavenly Father is always there for you. She has taught me to be happy no matter what and spread that happiness. She has taught me not to whine or complain. I have learned that our bodies are a gift and a miracle. She has taught me to trust in the Lord, Travis, and my children. She has taught me i need to protect my children. She has taught me to love unconditionally and to have faith. And to always be Happy.

letter to God

Dear God
Thank you so much for this beautiful little angel. I understand that she is yours just like we all our. I wanted to thank you so much for choosing our family for this short time on earth. All the sorrow in my heart is completely from being selfish.
I will miss her terribly. She means so much to me and I love her so much. Please help her to be strong and not be scared. Please let me feel her from time to time. Help her know how much we love her and were sorry for not being the best parents in the world. Thank you for hope and love and faith. I know you will take care of all of us. I love you

Saturday, January 22, 2011

We are asking every to fast on sunday thank you. we love you all.

Ari’s Update January 22, 2011
Many of you have been asking me how Ari is doing. I apologize for the delay in responding.

Travis has been in Salt has been texting me updates from the hospital in Salt Lake. I received the following text from him this morning. With his permission I am going to post it:

She is still the same. Her heart has remained strong. They anticipated her heart to fail soon because of all the work to take care of the other organs not Functioning. But her heart has remained strong. My thoughts are; are we prolonging her death having her hooked up to these machines that keep her alive? But in The moment as a parent if she is willing to fight I feel like I have to make the calls to do all we can to help her live. If we disconnected her she would die very rapidly. But how do you pull the plug when she is still fighting. It reminds me of a boxer who is getting killed in the ring but told his corner man "do not throw the towel in no matter what" "I think that was actually a scene on Rocky" then he came back and won. He was willing to die trying.
I believe Ari is Saying the same thing. "do not give up on me because I haven't given up on myself" but as a parent it is the hardest thing to allow to continue. But it is also The hardest thing to "say pull the plug" I guess what you do is trust God and fight right beside her and appreciate the moment that you have to fight with her Win or lose, as a parent I will look back and know that I didn't give up on her, God or myself and regardless of the outcome we will all win.

It reminds me of When Kaleb Pierce showed up at our door back in Highschool in Page with blood coming down the side of his face. He had gotten himself into a fight that was going to require some help. So 4 of us showed up to literally fight 15 plus people and half those boys could bench press small vehicles. But Kaleb went out there and with Zero hesitation of reservation commenced to pick out the biggest boy and convince him he was going to eat him for lunch. I knew all 3 of us were going to have The butt whooping of our lives. Yes I said 3 because the 4th had high tailed it out the other way and left just us 3 and the 3rd guy couldn't whip himself out Of a wet paper bag (as Dad would say) But because Kaleb was willing to go out with such tenacity I had no choice but to fight with him. Well for those of you that have heard The story. You know we walked away glorious. Well now looking back I have to add "Glorious Bastards"
Anyways Haley and I have remained very positive and Supportive of her through the night and Haley has been very encouraging to her. When you have such a little thing fighting so hard with so much faith, I have to Admit watching Ari fight with such faith and strength "It is easy to remain strong, positive and allowing much faith to be put into the Lord." after last night I feel extremely honored to be her father. I have never been so touched and moved by an individual’s example. I never ever would have dreamed it would be by a three year old little girl. Right now I feel no fear, no doubts, patients and full of love and hope. That doesn't mean it’s going to be sunshine and rainbows for us. and it doesn't mean the outcome is Going to be what I want but I do know that God is in control and loves us and that is enough for me. So I am just going to continue to fight right beside her and continue to trust God and endure until the answers arrive.

He sent this picture and wrote, "she is peaceful"

This little girl has been through so much and remains the sweetest little thing. I love her so much.