Sunday, March 27, 2011

When we decided to do bone marrow actually when I decided. Travis didn't want to and neither did she. I just thought Why would Laney be a complete match. Why would her heart be better. The day she got bone marrow I was so exited. I would get so sad thinking about just staying home and letting her die and I was so happy thinking some day we will be going through the temple or some day we will be watching her be baptized. For the first few days I hit heads with bone marrow team really bad. I was so stressed my milk dried up completely, poor Lilly was starving for a few days.

Every time I have been upset in my life I try to take a few moments to pray that my hart will be softened or that I can say the thing I need to say.
I feel it is amazing and works every time. About 98% of the time my hart is soften and I can see that it is me that needs to change and ask for forgiveness. This was not one of those times. I couldn't eat or sleep. The next morning We had a great talk or lashing. I think Ari was quite proud of me. It is hard for me to be confrontational and sometimes that means not standing up for what is right. I know it is a weakness and I'm sure it will take my a while to overcome it. I wish I would have left with her right then and been done with bone marrow. It was pretty much torture. Ari would always say why Mommy why. I am sorry throughout this life she had to put up with so much.

I'm so glad we broke the rules and let Kaley be there with us. It meant so much to Ari and was the happiest moments of the last month of her life. They would have so much fun doing crafts and playing bingo and hungry hippo, singing, dancing, playing with toys, and looking out the window for babies.

There were a few days when I feel she could have died and I would have had no regrets. There was one day I read to her all day and we played star fall all day I wouldn't even eat because i didn't want to leave her. That would have been a good day. One day we almost lost her and after crying my eyes out and being so afraid she wasn't going to make it I said, "We are done with this. You are going to make it. We are just going to start living life as if your going to make it. After that I started pushing her to walk and other things. The bone marrow grafted and she was doing great. The doctor's told us we should be going home in about a week. At that time it was just me and Ari. They made Kaley and Lilly go home. I started leaving her more to eat. I even exersized twice. This is not like me. normally no matter what I would just stay there with her. I don't know if this needed to happen in order for her to let go of me and be willing to go with father in heaven or what. I still have a hard time with why I started to do this, She would ask me to stay and hold her she would ask why Mommy why? and give me this look that will haunt me for years to come. I know she knew and was trying to tell me and I was to afraid to listen. When she got her virus I was still in denial. I said to her are you done. She looked at me with this look of exitment like I can be done. I know she was thinking leaving and I was thinking staying and getting better. I think her being such a fighter through me off.
I said okay Mom will start a fast and I won't eat until you can eat and are better. That night I got a headache she said Mommy I want to eat and I know she didn't, she just could tell i wasn't felling very good and wanted me to eat and feel better this coming from a little girl with a major fever but not being able to take Tylenol because her liver was so bad, her heart rate in the 200's, on a morphine drip that she would keep pushing the button non stop because of the pain, and having a hard time breathing, vomiting and not wanting to move because of pain. Here she is worried about me. All night I kept asking her if she was okay and she would say yes because she wanted me to sleep. That was my last day I would have had a chance to say good bye with her being coherent and I was so determined she was going to make it that I didn't take it.

The morning before she died I knew that the reason it happened the way it did was for me to learn a lesson, That morning I had my come to Jesus realized what I was supposed to learn and then she could go. One time Travis was asking why she couldn't be done yet and the impression he got was because Haley needs to learn something. She asked me numerous times Why Mommy why and I know every time no matter what I said she would be ok with it because it was for me that she was being tortured. It reminded me of the savior in Gethsemane asking to remove this cup never the less thy will be done. The things we do for love.

After that I went to Travis and told him what happened. I told him she was done and no longer needed to stay. We prayed together and had the most comforting feeling ever I know she was there with us. Her death was beautiful. She died in my arms and I felt every last heart beat. It is amazing how attached we are to these beautiful temporal bodies. I am so glad I had this last 2 years to lay with her and feel of her amazing spirit. She is the most amazing person I will ever know. I bore my testimony of how I feel that I have been happy and spiritually strong for 2 years only because of her amazing spirit. I feel like A little kid that grows up having a testimony because there parents do and now I have to stand on my own two feet. I will miss her every day. And I can't wait to see her again.

1 comment:

  1. It's going to be so fun to see our loved ones on the other side. Ever since that Sunday that I talked to you and Travis before she died I have been so inspired to be a better person. Thanks for sharing your experiences with all of us.