I still was confused. Since Ari has been a baby I kept thinking she is way to pure for this world. She is so sweet and so beautiful. It always scared me a little that I thought that. But then I would tell myself oh that is just a paranoid mother thinking. But it was still there and I took a million pictures of her. My sister one day said, "All right Haley we know she is cute, but you're going to make your other kids think she's your favorite."
But I wanted a lot of pictures for what ever the future might hold. When Titan passed away we all wished we had more pictures of him and I didn't want to be wishing the same thing. Then, when all of this started happening I thought maybe I was not paranoid. Maybe I don't get to keep her that long.
About three days before we got to the hospital I felt like I started saying my goodbyes. By the second night in the hospital I felt very lucky that I got to hold her just me and her for this whole time. She uses my arm as pillow and very rarely will she let me move and I love it. I was pretty sure that she was not going to make it through that night. At one point watching her go through so much pain I found myself saying "Its okay, you can go."