Thursday, May 5, 2011

Ari I Love you!!!

As I sit her and watch my daughter slip away there are some things I want to tell her first is that I love her unconditionally. That everyone in her life loves her. That i would do anything for her. That she is the strongest most amazing spirit i have ever known. That she is beautiful. That i will miss her. That it will be a miracle if she stays or goes. That her Father in Heaven loves her and is there for her. That her savior loves her. That she will be in good hands. That I want her to be happy. That i wish i could take it all away. That i wish i could hold her. And last is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't trust her and Travis. That I'm sorry she is passing in a hospital instead of at home. That I'm sorry she couldn't spend her last moments in my arms. I'm sorry that she has been tortured her last month here. I'm sorry that she loves me so much and is so obedient that she let us torture her. I'm sorry she couldn't spend more time with her family. And That I hope her and Travis will forgive me.

I know a lot of people will try to tell me it is not my fault and i know it isn't. But it could have been different. She wanted it different and that is why I need to apologize to her. I know that it was supposed to happen this way. But i feel bad because i feel that is was for me to learn certain things and I am sorry that my kids and my husband sometimes suffer for my learning process. But that is life and I know they love me enough to forgive me and put up with it again and again.
I have faith and am grateful for this whole experience and I know it is because Heavenly Father loves me and loves her that everything is happening. I believe she is to pure for this world and am happy for her to not have to deal with things. I have learned that I need to trust my Family and Travis. Trust that he is the priesthood in our family. I trust and know that Heavenly father loves me and will comfort me and will always be there for me. I am grateful to him for all my blessings. Travis sometimes teases me but I truly believe that every thing that happens in our lives is for a reason. And that the Lord is very aware and active in our lives. Thank you every one for all your love, prayers, and fasting. I know that it has helped.
These pictures were taken within weeks of each other. So Sad. It breaks my heart


  1. Praying for Arianna and all of your family at this time. Love and big hugs!

  2. We just want you to know that we have been fasting for your family today.

  3. Prayers to you to comfort your broken heart, my her sweet smile and the memories get you thru all the heartache.

  4. Travis and Haiey - Please know I have been thinking about you and you have been in my prayers. I have missed you a lot since our Arizona days. Your strength and faith amazes me. Ari must be one special litte girl. I'm sending all my love your way!

  5. Sending prayers your way. I'm so sorry and hope God will help you through this. Haley, if you had made different decisions you'd probably be saying the same thing wishing you'd have done something different. I know Ari knew you loved her. Such a beautiful little spirit. I'm sure she's being welcomed with big hugs by family on the other side of the veil. Love you.


  6. The Cord
    Author Unknown
    We are connected,
    My child and I,
    By an invisible cord,
    Not seen by the eye.

    It's not like the cord
    That connects us 'til birth
    This cord can't be seen
    By any on earth.

    This cord does its work
    Right from the start.
    It binds us together
    Attached to my heart.

    I know that it's there
    Though no one can see
    The invisible cord
    From my child to me.

    The strength of this cord
    Man could create
    It withstands the test
    Can hold any weight.

    And though you are gone,
    Though you're not here with me,
    The cord is still there
    But no one can see.

    It pulls at my heart
    I am bruised…. I am sore,
    But this cord is my lifeline
    As never before.

    I am thankful that God
    Connects us this way
    A mother and child
    Death can't take away!

    This poem was given to my mother when my brother passed away at age 15. It still gives her comfort today and I hope it too will comfort you in your time of loss.

  7. From the mom of another LCH child - I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. There are no words to express how sorry I am for what you have been through and for your family's loss. I will carry your pain with me and continue to pray for a better future for our LCH babies.

  8. I am so sorry! (I found your blog through Lizzie's.) I met your kids back in December when I was in ICS with my daughter (she had AML). I had a good chat with your oldest girl, she is so smart. She was taking care of your baby and I just admired how well she was doing being a little mom to her siblings. I chatted with your kids for awhile and they told me about their little sister. I am so sorry. What a trial. You guys have endured so much and I just can't imagine how it must all feel. Your little girl is beautiful and she is pure and sweet. I am sorry I didn't get to meet you while we were there. I just said a little prayer for your family. Hugs from a stranger.

    All the best,

  9. Oh Haley, We would have all made the same choices you did. Believe me. Please know that your George Washington Academy family loves you and your family. Ari is happy now and you know that. It is okay to not want to give her up. You are her mother. She will always be remembered by those whose lives she touched.
    You and your family will continue to be in all of our prayers.

    Michelle Cowles

  10. My heart breaks for you. Ari is truly an angel sent to walk with us for a little while.
    She knows you love her so much and she knows that you did everything you could to keep her.
    Ari did everything right.
    Fly high Ari.

    COLE's Prayer Team


  11. My heart breaks as I read your blog. I looked to your family as you went through the bone marrow transplant as I will go through it in a couple of weeks. My thoughts and prays are with you and your family at this time.