When we decided to do bone marrow actually when I decided. Travis didn't want to and neither did she. I just thought Why would Laney be a complete match. Why would her heart be better. The day she got bone marrow I was so exited. I would get so sad thinking about just staying home and letting her die and I was so happy thinking some day we will be going through the temple or some day we will be watching her be baptized. For the first few days I hit heads with bone marrow team really bad. I was so stressed my milk dried up completely, poor Lilly was starving for a few days.

Every time I have been upset in my life I try to take a few moments to pray that my hart will be softened or that I can say the thing I need to say.
I feel it is amazing and works every time. About 98% of the time my hart is soften and I can see that it is me that needs to change and ask for forgiveness. This was not one of those times. I couldn't eat or sleep. The next morning We had a great talk or lashing. I think Ari was quite proud of me. It is hard for me to be confrontational and sometimes that means not standing up for what is right. I know it is a weakness and I'm sure it will take my a while to overcome it. I wish I would have left with her right then and been done with bone marrow. It was pretty much torture. Ari would always say why Mommy why. I am sorry throughout this life she had to put up with so much.

I'm so glad we broke the rules and let Kaley be there with us. It meant so much to Ari and was the happiest moments of the last month of her life. They would have so much fun doing crafts and playing bingo and hungry hippo, singing, dancing, playing with toys, and looking out the window for babies.

There were a few days when I feel she could have died and I would have had no regrets. There was one day I read to her all day and we played star fall all day I wouldn't even eat because i didn't want to leave her. That would have been a good day. One day we almost lost her and after crying my eyes out and being so afraid she wasn't going to make it I said, "We are done with this. You are going to make it. We are just going to start living life as if your going to make it. After that I started pushing her to walk and other things. The bone marrow grafted and she was doing great. The doctor's told us we should be going home in about a week. At that time it was just me and Ari. They made Kaley and Lilly go home. I started leaving her more to eat. I even exersized twice. This is not like me. normally no matter what I would just stay there with her. I don't know if this needed to happen in order for her to let go of me and be willing to go with father in heaven or what. I still have a hard time with why I started to do this, She would ask me to stay and hold her she would ask why Mommy why? and give me this look that will haunt me for years to come. I know she knew and was trying to tell me and I was to afraid to listen. When she got her virus I was still in denial. I said to her are you done. She looked at me with this look of exitment like I can be done. I know she was thinking leaving and I was thinking staying and getting better. I think her being such a fighter through me off.
I said okay Mom will start a fast and I won't eat until you can eat and are better. That night I got a headache she said Mommy I want to eat and I know she didn't, she just could tell i wasn't felling very good and wanted me to eat and feel better this coming from a little girl with a major fever but not being able to take Tylenol because her liver was so bad, her heart rate in the 200's, on a morphine drip that she would keep pushing the button non stop because of the pain, and having a hard time breathing, vomiting and not wanting to move because of pain. Here she is worried about me. All night I kept asking her if she was okay and she would say yes because she wanted me to sleep. That was my last day I would have had a chance to say good bye with her being coherent and I was so determined she was going to make it that I didn't take it.

The morning before she died I knew that the reason it happened the way it did was for me to learn a lesson, That morning I had my come to Jesus realized what I was supposed to learn and then she could go. One time Travis was asking why she couldn't be done yet and the impression he got was because Haley needs to learn something. She asked me numerous times Why Mommy why and I know every time no matter what I said she would be ok with it because it was for me that she was being tortured. It reminded me of the savior in Gethsemane asking to remove this cup never the less thy will be done. The things we do for love.

After that I went to Travis and told him what happened. I told him she was done and no longer needed to stay. We prayed together and had the most comforting feeling ever I know she was there with us. Her death was beautiful. She died in my arms and I felt every last heart beat. It is amazing how attached we are to these beautiful temporal bodies. I am so glad I had this last 2 years to lay with her and feel of her amazing spirit. She is the most amazing person I will ever know. I bore my testimony of how I feel that I have been happy and spiritually strong for 2 years only because of her amazing spirit. I feel like A little kid that grows up having a testimony because there parents do and now I have to stand on my own two feet. I will miss her every day. And I can't wait to see her again.

Baby Arianna

Arianna came into this world on a Sunday and she left on a Sunday. When she finally came I was about 6 weeks late from what i thought her due date would be. Of course I was a month off. When my water broke I was in walmart. I was just about done shopping after about an hour, so i grabbed some pads and finished up. I am sure the checker was a little freaked out by an open thing off pads, but for me when my water breaks it means the baby should come in the next day or two. I also grabbed some baby girl outfits JUST IN CASE. The entire pregnancy I thought she was a boy. After Alaina's birth and being a watched pot trying to biol. This time I figured I would get a good night sleep and then announce that my water had broken. I did give my mid wife a call just so she could have a heads up. At around noon the next day I started getting harder contractions so that's when we officially started the party. She was born at 5 something. When I was pregnant I had a dream that she just came out no pain or anything and I have to say that was pretty close. she was by far my easiest labor. The only complication was i didn't have very hard contraction so my uterus had a hard time contracting So I bled quite a bit. It was my longest recovery. I couldn't sit up for three days. I had a lot of time to enjoy my new baby. When she came we kept swaying how cute he was. Then we got the surprise of our lives, a beautiful baby girl!! She was Taylor's little twin. I know the other kids won't mind me saying this, she was our most beautiful baby and little girl. She had the biggest eyes. She loved hearing stories about herself especially when Travis would tell them. Us thinking she was a boy was her favorite story. This is just the beginning of random blogs. I want to right down every memory I have of her.

Hi Haley
Just wanted to say I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful little girl. I had been following your story on Facebook for a while hoping against hope that she would make it through this terrible disease. I read your blog last night and I was so moved. I had tears streaming down my face, tears for Ari, tears for you and your family, and tears probably also for me and my daughter who died after BMT for HLH in July at just 22 months.
Little Ari sounded like the sweetest, bravest and most beautiful little child. I am heartbroken for you all. There are so many parallels with your experience and ours...
I know nothing I say will help take the pain the away but if you ever need to talk to another mum, just write.
Wishing you and your family lots of love Kelly xx (from London, UK)

A letter from Marcus

Dear Travis, Haley, and the family this is Marcus Lane, I wanted to see how you are doing. If you don’t remember me I am Eric and Ingers oldest son about to go on a mission. I hope that you guys are doing great. I want to thank you for saturday and the words expressed. I feel like I am new person after going to Ari’s Service. When I first got there for the viewing and when i saw her beautiful face I started to cry. The spirit in that room was strong. It was almost unbearable. Even though Ari lived for a short time on this earth she set an amazing example for all of us to follow. After the service as I was driving home all I could think about is how can I live like Ari and be in tune with the spirit.I also thought about Ari’s life and what she had to overcome. That saturday night I was unable to sleep at all. I thought a lot about how selfless Ari was, she cared about other people and as Travis said she would say everything is perfect even when she was in pain. She lived a life very similar to how our savior lived his life by caring for others around her and showing unconditional love because of the greatness and impact her live has been for me I have made a promise to myself, Heavenly Father and the Savior for the rest of my life and for eternity I will try to live like Ari and follow in her footsteps and be strong even when the world is telling me not to. I have never been more comfortable about going on a mission since saturday. What few know about me is that I was suppose to serve a mission in Omaha, Nebraska when I was 19. I was in the MTC for 4 days and on the second day I started to freak out because I missed family, home, the daily easy routine I had back at home. I tried to escape from the MTC on the third day but found the phycologist instead. He tried to get me to stay but I felt so home sick that I ended up leaving on that saturday. When I came home I told everyone that I might go back and serve a mission when I am more mature. In my mind I dreaded the MTC and a mission. I associated so much negativity to a mission that I never wanted to go on one. About 1 year and 6 months later I went to sweden expecting to stay there for 5 years to finish college. A little before my first semester ended I told my dad and my family that I wanted to serve a mission. I came back home about three weeks ago and am currently finishing my papers. The reason why I am bringing this up is because the day before I went to Ari’s service I really had a lot of doubts about a mission and I wasn’t sure I would be able to serve. After seeing your wonderful family and Ari I know that everything is going to be fine. I cannot even begin to understand how much your family had to go through. I want you to know that you are the best parents that Ari has. I also know that Ari is so proud to be your daughter. Thank you so much for everything. When I go and serve a mission I will put Ari and Uncle Scott in my mind and live like they lived. I want to thank you again for allowing me to find the perfect role model in my life that I will try to live up to. I am keeping you in my prayers. If your family ever needs anything let me know and I don’t mind at all driving up to Utah.
Take care Marcus LANE

Thank you so much Marcus. Your letter ment so much to me. Ari was by far the most strongest amazing spirit I have ever known. Why I was the lucky one to be her Mom I'm not sure. but I feel truely blessed. Knowing her life could touch others makes me so happy. We love you and wish you luck with every thing. Thank you so much

A letter from one of Arianna's nurses

Dear Travis and Haley
I don't know how I can express my feeling to your family especially in English, but I really wanted to write a note to thank you for a great example you showed me.
You showed me how to fight or to do the best you can for all the possible way without giving up. And Arianna showed me to do the same, and to do it for not for herself but for whom she loved the most. She taught me that you can do more than your ability when you do it for others. You two also showed me that illness cannot destroy family or love! Even though you have went through so much, you showed your smiles for me all the time. Thank you for sharing her stories about "not running away from the hospital" and "even she said no more that she said she she will do it for Mommy ... I was so touch with her love to you and your love to her! Last Thursday when I came in to arianna's room to help with syringe pumps, I saw her trying to hold on. I wanted to come to her bedside to kneel down to hold her and cheer her up, but also I was so afraid that i may cry. So instead I told haley about putting Arianna's name in the bountiful temple... I wish I held her that time... I didn't know that it would be the last time for me to see her... Now I really need to try to live better if I want to see her again. That Thursday night I went home and just prayed for Arianna and your family's comfort. I know that angels are with her and you all the way through. Thank you again for letting me be a part of your special life. Arianna and you have taught me through your actions more than anything else. Hope you can understand my Japanese English. May the Lord's special blessings are with you family. Sincerely Tomoko

Memories of Ari

She would say Hold me mom hold me in Her little Muppet chipmunk voice. Then she would say arm so she could be rapped in my arm. Her favorite place in the world. She was daddy s puppy and mommy kitty. She loved coke. But she called it daddy's drink. And she could tell if it was out of can or fountain. She was truly a lane that way. When she got herpes really bad and couldn't eat the only thing that made her mouth feel better was coke. And that's what started her addiction. Still her favorite thing was water. It brought her comfort. In the end even when she couldn't have that much she still wanted a to hold a glass of ice water just like you would a stuffed animal.

How when she would poop. The smell would kill her and me and kaley she would hang out her tung and say ehh. She cracked me up.
Every time i would take a shower at home as soon as i opened the door she would be there. A lot of the time she would scare me. I miss watching her little naked hiney running down the hall. We would say i see your hiney all white and shiney. If you dont hide it I'm going bite it. She would hide it say "not my hiney.
one time heading home she started singing,"I go see my friends. My Kaley friend my Taylor Friend, my Laney friend." It was so cute. She had a beautiful voice. You would catch her singing all the time.

Her Favorite foods were Beans and Cafe rio. At the hospital they would call her the cafe rio baby. She loved baby oranges and baby cheese. She also loved star burst.

My Hero

Arianna is my Hero. She has done some of the most amazing things. And she has done them with a smile on her face.

I wanted to rite down some of the things that she has taught me or that her journey has taught me. First she has taught me how you can do anything out of love. She has taught me not to be a wimp. She has taught me life is short spend it on the important things, The most important one holding and loving your children. I have learned how important the gospel is to me. How Heavenly Father is always there for you. She has taught me to be happy no matter what and spread that happiness. She has taught me not to whine or complain. I have learned that our bodies are a gift and a miracle. She has taught me to trust in the Lord, Travis, and my children. She has taught me i need to protect my children. She has taught me to love unconditionally and to have faith. And to always be Happy.